You Are Gone

I see your face everywhere; you are always in my heart and in my mind, but in real life, you are gone.

We don’t talk anymore; we used to all the time, but things changed. I remember what I used to imagine about us. I used to imagine us growing old together; taking you to ball and kissing you under a starlit sky. I used to imagine our kids and what it would be like to have them running around while we were trying to keep our minds sane.

I imagined the night I proposed to you. When you were gone for so long, I would still see your face everywhere. In my dreams and my nightmares. I looked at other people and saw only you, and the pain returned to my heart.

It took me a long time to realize how the dreams of childhood became the suffering of adolescence. It is when we grow older that we see the reality of things, and I realized how much you had changed. It broke my heart more times than I can say.

I realize now that one day we will never see eachother again; I will only see you in my thoughts. You will walk beside me every day when you have not been in the flesh for years; I would think about you and wonder where you are and what places you would visit and the man you would marry; I would wonder if you ever thought about me or if you had ever thought we might have had a chance.

The joy of love lasts but a moment; the pain of love lasts a lifetime.

A.N. Lopez


Lose Yourself

Wise men always say that it is good to travel alone to places because you reflect more; I think the saying should be that being alone helps you reflect on your life. In the absence of personal relationships and friends, you become your own critic (and your own worst enemy).

As people, we lose ourselves sometimes; we lose the perspective we have on our lives and begin to believe we are not in control of them or that our plans and feelings can run more amok than we’d like. We forget that our feelings and our lives are always in our control, and that attitude is the most important part of life.

It is natural to lose sight of the far-off goals and dreams you have: we are all human.

Let thy chief fort and place be a mind free from passions; a greater defense than this hath no man.

I have lost myself many times, and often it takes me some manner of time to re-situate myself and my outlook on life. This current time, it appears, is different than the rest: I have declined in my passion for school, for work, for love and information; it is a decline that does not go out with a bang or in with a storm, but a whimper. It is a slow decline, and one that people can easily miss because they are too preoccupied with the fortunes and thoughts of life and destiny.

I don’t sleep much; I don’t care much for things that I used to care for. If anything, I constantly seek ways to be apart from the scene and leave where my commitments demand me to stay. That is the ultimate low of life: to stop caring about things you used to care for.

So we all lose ourselves, but the important thing is to recognize the fall so that we may pick ourselves back up. Anyone who ever succeeded suffered failure; anyone who ever lived had to die sometime. The wisdom and the knowledge of ages is embed in the lives that we live and the attitudes that we hold in our minds and our hearts, and that power of the human breast is not one to be easily forgotten.

Reflect. Calm yourself and step away from the commitments and intricacies of daily life. Whether you are a mom, dad, soldier, lawyer, butcher, baker, or candle-stick maker, we all have thoughts and commitments in our own minds but more importantly: in our hearts. We all lose ourselves sometimes, and to reflect is to glare at what it is we are fighting for and be reminded of the struggle.

It is a perpetual struggle; it is a fight that does not end until we all meet the Creator; it is a conflict that can scare us and bring us to our knees, and its weapons are fortune, heartache, exhaustion, and death: but it is merely a tool to help us reflect on our lives and find purpose and strength in our existence.

The night is darkest just before the dawn.

A.N. Lopez