Wow, quite a period of time since I have last written.

Many things have changed. I am eighteen years old now; an adult. I have applied to college, I am still with my girlfriend, and my world is changing. Changing all around me. I feel less interested in the things I used to love. I am a different man of different values. I am confused and clear-sighted at the same time.

What causes this change in me? What force or power can change a man? His soul? Is it my dreams? My love for myself and for others? Or the absence of love?

In truth, I am unhappy and happy; I am content and discontent. I feel as though I am among the troubled, confused of which movies and TV shows are made. I have clear plans for the world, and yet what do they say about the man that I am? What do I value? What do I sacrifice?

Most of these questions I truly have no answer to. Such answers are beyond my truth. For now. Reflection is needed in order to deal with change.

It has been a gradual change, and not sudden; I don’t write anymore. I don’t socialize. I spend money freely. I handle my responsibilities, but I feel as though I shy away from them. I used to be a workaholic, and now work makes work of me. I am exhausted and tired. From what? What, or whom, has made me this way?

Perhaps many things. High school. A relationship. Thoughts of infidelity. Thoughts of power. Of apathy. Of losing perspective of the big picture and taking a look at the text. Truth shys away from me, and all I see is only that which I open my eyes to see. It is a regrettable admission, but it is an admission. It is the truth as I see it through my eyes.

I am a troubled person. I am not OK. I am not well. I need help. I need change. I need something else in this world. Food loses its taste; love loses its passion. Work loses it vigor, and education loses its worth.

Who am I? What is happening to me? What has happened?

A.N. Lopez


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